| it's raining. |
[May. 18th, 2008|05:16 pm] |
I missed Tyler Brown, I really did.
He used to be, like, my best friend.
No. He used to be my very best friend.
Then we kind of... grew up.
I don't know.
It could have been anything.
But we're talking again, and it just made me realize how much I fucking missed him.
Really.
He used to know me better than anyone.
But I've changed so much since we stopped talking.
I'm just. I'm different.
I view the world differently.
And then I have this whole, you know, thing.
He knew me when I cut.
But he doesn't know this.
That's good.
Anyway.
Monica and I are fasting this week.
It's going to be hard, but once we get past the third day, it'll be a breeze.
I'm going to have plenty to keep me busy, anyway, so that's good.
We just need to stay strong, no?
It's been a slow weekend around here.
Not that I'm complaining.
I like the lazy days.
I'm just counting down until summer.
It's close, real close.
I can't wait.
I'm working on a new story to be posted at SATD.
It'll be summery. And romantic.
Nice, maybe.
Different from Raw, that's for certain.
have a good day.
<3 |
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| vroom. |
[May. 17th, 2008|11:53 am] |
Life is wonderful.
Yesterday, I bought a car.
Cleaned out my bank account, but it was worth it.
Her name is Lucy.
She's a black 2006 Honda Civic.
Yes.
She drives like a dream.
She's pretty.
I'll post pictures once I get her all shined up.
Truthfully, I am in love.
Fasting today. Anyone want to join?
Be happy!
Kathryn. |
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| scarecrow |
[May. 11th, 2008|10:57 pm] |
oh, and the perfection
long, slow nights like the drip of honey
the last bit from the jar
sweet like endless summer
smooth against my tongue
the breeze, and it's inside me
in my veins, my lungs
i am air, pure and weightless
a thing of envy
we all want to be clouds
and most of us are concrete
it's summer now, and i've forgotten winter's chill
i am all scraped knees, bronzed shoulders, and grass-greened palms
the days are aging, just like me, like us
we're slowing down, each of us both the long drags off tyler's cigarette
i am wrapped in your arms, sweet boy
we're perfect, and you're crazy
you're in love, scarecrow, you're in love with me
i don't know much, just salt and sea and sad, but i've heard tell of that legend sparkle that i see in your eyes
brown sugar eyes, and god, you're sweet
maple syrup is all i'm tasting, sticky-sweet upon your lips, my lips
i look at you, your freckled cheeks, your crooked grin, those sparkling eyes
i see the sun, scarecrow
the sun
it's nighttime
there are shadows of our bodies on my driveway, scarecrow
memories from summers passed
i won't forget you, not even when you're gone
they'll still be there, our silhouettes, shaped like us, like love
our hands are linked
still
scarecrow, you are summer in my eyes and on my skin
you are summer, and i hope summer never ends |
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| fights. |
[May. 9th, 2008|06:32 pm] |
I don't think my father loves me.
All we do is fight, all we've ever done is fight.
He wasn't around a lot when I was a kid, he was a pilot, so he was always flying.
So I grew up with my mom, like my mom.
Honestly, I don't really understand why he even had a child.
He's not good with them.
He's not good at being a dad.
It's not that he's this horrible, beast of a father, it's just not something he was made for.
So I told him that.
I said, "Why did you even have a kid. You're not a very good father."
And he said, "Because I didn't know it would be you."
Ouch.
My mother always takes his side.
He always refutes everything I say.
They gang up on me, and I don't even know why I bother fighting back.
I have no chance.
I'm feeling a little helpless right now.
A little like I'm never going to get out of here.
A little like this place is all I was ever supposed to be.
I need to get out. |
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| icu procrastination. |
[May. 4th, 2008|04:54 pm] |
HI!
Okay. So HCT was amazing, and I'll do a full write up about it when I have time.
I just wanted to post something that pretty much made my life today. Seriously, I can always count on my friends to make me smile.
WOAH its NOVEA: i dont know why but i always right poop instead of poor i do it on my homework all the time and if joey didnt copy it all the time i would never know
kathryn with a y: EPIC FAIL.
Just. Oh my God.
Novea Lindsay and I have been best friends since we were four years old. 12 years strong, and she's still the most ridiculous person I've ever met in my life. Truly.
By the way, if anyone has AIM, let's chat. I don't really feel like doing my homework, so feel free to distract me at kathryn with a y.
BYE!
<3 |
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| i miss my best friend. |
[Apr. 28th, 2008|06:28 pm] |
First day back at school, and life is pretty uneventful. That's alright with me, though. Uneventful is better than bad things happening, right? I like things being mellow. Mellow is good.
BEST FRIEND, BB I MISS YOU! FOUR DAYS!
Okay. So this is going to sound mean, but it needs to be said. Tyler Foss is a moronic, immature douchebag. I do not like him. He needs to understand this and stop following me around and staring at me at lunch. It makes me uncomfortable. So if he is reading this, yeah. Go find another girl. I'm not "the one".
Christ.
Sorry. That's just been frustrating.
It's raining. I like it.
Done rambling now. Everyone have a good day!
<3 |
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| we are the champions. |
[Apr. 25th, 2008|05:18 pm] |
So I got my license today.
Fucking. Just.
VICTORY!
btw: Nine in the Afternoon played on the radio before I took the test. Perfection, really. It was destiny.
<33333333
driving you mad. |
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| pay no attention to my thoughts. |
[Apr. 24th, 2008|08:49 pm] |
I was born to a mother that thinks everything means something else. I was born to a father that wouldn't notice nuance if it hit him in the face. I have friends that don't pick things up as quickly as I'd like them to.
But really, none of that means anything.
I've always thought that I am where I came from: these people, this place defined who I am. But every day, any other place looks more and more appealing. That scares me. I'd always thought that my roots were put down in Hollis, Maine. The soil is loose here, though, and that tells me that I don't know half of what I thought I did. What am I, though, if I don't have a place to call home?
The truth is, I've never belonged anywhere, and I probably never will. The truth is, I'm okay with that, just so long as I belong to someone. I figure that my home has always been in a person anyway. Someone I have yet to meet. But when I meet them, I just know I'll see picket fences and flower beds.
I just need to get better at being patient.
I keep dreaming about bicycles. Every night, it's just bicycles. What does that even mean? |
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| me. |
[Apr. 20th, 2008|08:18 pm] |
My name is Kathryn Rose McGonagle.
I was born on November 21, 1991.
That makes me a Scorpio, if you believe in astrology.
It also makes me 16.
I won't wax poetic about how hard it is to be a teenager, because, really, it's not so bad.
I'm tall, like, redwood tall.
My hair is brown.
My eyes are blue.
My smile is nice.
People say I'm pretty.
Those are the basics.
But that's not who I am.
My name is Katie.
My best friend in the world calls me Sunshine.
I try to live up to that name.
My years say 16, but my mind says something far older.
I like being young, it's a trip.
My favorite thing in the world is story-telling.
I want to make your life better.
If you give me a sunflower, I will be your best friend for the rest of my life.
I like sleeping because my dreams are beautiful.
I like being awake because my life is so gorgeous it's earth-shattering.
I dig old things, things with wisdom and character, things with a story to tell me.
Maine will always own my soul.
I am the Atlantic ocean.
A lot of things impress me: musicians, artists, dancers, profound thinkers, optimism, humor, poets.
I want to devour everything my world has to offer me.
I'm greedy that way, I guess.
I believe that I have a purpose, I'm just trying to figure out what it is.
I only write in cursive, mostly because I want to be elegant.
I'm pretty funny, and I won't lie, I live to make people laugh.
My mom and I are super close.
I wish my dad and I were.
It'd be really awesome if I could be brilliant and successful like I should be, but that's really just not who I am.
I'm more like my father than I'd care to admit; he quit real life and took to the skies, and I want so badly to follow in those footsteps.
I won't lie, my best-friendship with Kassie Charlene Libby is just about the most epic thing in the world.
If I'm ever missing, you'll find me in the Old Port in Portland, Maine.
I don't believe in regret, but I do believe in fate.
I do believe in karma.
I do believe in peace.
I don't do drugs, they freak me out.
I avoid unnecessary conflict, I'd just prefer to get along with you.
I don't really like hugging people, high-fives are awesome, though.
I guess I'll finish this up by saying that I'll always strive to be a better person, to evolve.
I want you to know, above all else, that I'm genuine.
That's all you can really ask for in a person, I figure.
I just wanted to share myself, I guess.
So I did.
And to put a face to a name:
That's me. That's who I am in black and white.
smile, guys, for the world is beautiful,
katie. |
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| sunshine and pretzels. |
[Apr. 19th, 2008|09:56 pm] |
On break finally. I used the day wisely, frolicking outside in the wonderful sunshine. Jesus, I'm a hippie. I seriously spent an hour lying in the grass and watching the clouds and just thinking about how beautiful the world can be. I planted some sunflower seeds and worked in my garden a little. My legs look like a bloodbath because in a fit of clumsiness, I fell into a goddamn rosebush. Honestly, teenage awkwardness, you've had your fun, now leave me alone.
I binged so bad today, though. Among the frivolity of the wilderness, there was also a massive food intake. What the hell? I'm so, so angry with myself, because I've been doing wonderfully. I try not to bitch about it in here, but really. Today was ridiculous. I had, like, peanut butter and pretzels (which was probably the most heinous of combinations). I don't even like peanut butter. I repeat: What the hell?
Let's be friends. I feel like I don't do the whole lj friends thing well enough. I'm anti-social. But really, let's be friends guys.
smile and be happy
times are less dreary
be merry!
kathryn. |
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| i'm dreaming carnivals. |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|03:02 pm] |
We reached a wonderful 67 degrees today. I can't even tell you how ecstatic I am. I want to shout it to the skies and spin in circles because I am just so happy. Spring is here, and summer is knocking on my door, begging to be let in. 70 degrees and sunny tomorrow, and it just keeps getting better. I have all of next week off. One beautiful week of beautiful freedom. I'm tingling.
My HCT date is coming up soon, too. May 2 in Orono, Maine at the Alfond Arena. It's a hike from here to there, but I have no doubt that it'll be beyond worth it. To put it mildly, I am utterly and completely thrilled.
I miss my best friend quite a lot. Kassie Charlene Libby, your parents need to stop being douchebags and un-kick you out of your house down here. You need to come home, Hollis misses you. Anyway,hopefully she'll be able to come down for vacation next week. That would be about four hundred barrels of fun, I won't even lie.
So the other day, I went to Boston with fifty of my classmates to look at colleges there. We went to Bunker Hill, UMass Boston, and Northeastern. Northeastern was really nice, and it was such a beautiful campus. I've always been a little bit in love with Boston, it's a wonderful city, but this trip really just cemented my longing and lust for the west coast. I hope to leave home for California after I graduate high school. Whether or not I plan to go to school there will be determined some time in the near future hopefully. I should probably get my shit together concerning, you know, the rest of my life. I just want to live somewhere beautiful. I am a lover of beauty, and I've seen how the east coast does it. West coast, show me what you got.
SPRING!
So I hate it when good days are ruined.
=|
kathryn. |
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| 'cause we're so handsome + we're so bored |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|04:40 pm] |
Tell me: When did I become a hipster? When did fashion and free love and headaches and cigarettes become so goddamn appealing? When did hunger become a way of life? I just want to know when I changed from my safe, normal self into this live fast/die young idealist. I used to be realistic, rational. When did that fly out the window? The thing is, I like this better. Reality was getting me down, anyway, so now I'll just ignore it. I'll make my life about pretending.
I was always meant for the modern counter-culture.
These are my best years, and I'm sick of not enjoying them. I'm done wasting them.
I'm going to say to hell with the mold. I'll wear daisies in my hair and hemp around my wrists, sandals on my feet and sundresses on my skeleton. I won't eat, won't sleep. I'll finally be who I am, who I always was.
This is me coming into my own.
I am young.
I am confused.
I am indecisive.
I am absurd.
I am going to do what I want from now on.
I am okay with making mistakes.
I am happy.
I'm learning that it's okay to get your hands a little dirty. I'm learning that fucking up is okay as long as I stay true to the fuck-up that I was meant to be.
peace
Kathryn. |
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| The Nomads |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|10:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Hurricane - The Hush Sound | ] |
This is my entry for my school's literary magazine.
I hope you enjoy it.
BTW: OICU, PANIC REFERENCES.
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| skeleton, you are my friend. |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|08:16 pm] |
So I think my ED might be taking over my life a little. And, you know what, I'm completely okay with that. I was a little jarred the other day, though. A classmate of mine told me, "Katie. You've lost weight." And a friend of mine (who knows about my ED) just kind of nodded knowingly. But I don't see it. Not at all. Which brings me to my point: What if I never see it? What if I never think I'm good enough, pretty enough, thin enough? Where is the line drawn? I feel like maybe I was destined to be like this. I always had an affinity for bones.
Excuse the angst. |
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| reinvent love. |
[Apr. 6th, 2008|01:40 pm] |
I'm a little burned out. I'm a little sick of school. I'm a little sick of endless winter. But I'm trying my hardest to look past it all. It's easier if I ignore it. It's getting warmer, though, which feels like a sigh of relief. I feel like I'd probably lose my mind if I had to endure any more snow. We're already thinking of summer, our minds and eyes turned to long, lazy days.
Lately, I've been making a real effort to be a more positive person. I've been trying to be nicer to people, and really, it's been a wonderful change. I feel lighter. I like being able to make people smile. I figure that if I can inject a little peace into someone's heart, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I strive to make the world less full of hate? If I can make one person's life a little better, then I'm going to. Less hate, more love. I feel like that's how it's supposed to work. So I encourage you, I challenge you. Laugh more, smile more, let yourselves be happy. You all deserve it.
kathryn rose
<3 |
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| this might be more than nothing, but it's also less than something |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|11:19 pm] |
i have not been in love with anything in a very long time
i miss the feeling of being utterly consumed
i miss the purpose
i miss the focus of my attention on something with meaning
but love has had little substance for me in the past
love is a very relative term, but i will never apply it to you
i'm sorry.
i'm sick of living for the weekend
i'm sick of living for empty stomachs and headaches
i'm sick of sustaining myself on coffee
can i just tell you something that i think is hilarious? my crazy friend, annie, has this tattoo of a little blue star on her foot, on the part right by her pinky toe. it's been almost a year since she got it, and still, she looks down at it sometimes, thinks it's a spider, and kicks something in an attempt to kill it. her tattoo, that is. she's ridiculous. it's wonderful. i need to remind her to stop smoking so much pot.
today, i made people smile, and that made me smile.
i like smiles.
okay, i really like smiles.
what makes you smile?
i want a scarecrow to hold my hand.
<3 |
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| i'll write it all across the wall. |
[Mar. 26th, 2008|10:56 pm] |
sunshine with a big smile
walking with me all the while
hand in hand, we'd run a mile
love like it was out of style
who am i to try and cry
with blooming flowers and blue skies
breathe me something warm and shy
take a break and learn to fly
forget my poetry, my lines, my prose
i'm making a real effort here
So Kari and I had another existential discussion today. We've been doing that a lot lately, and it's so, so good to have someone to discuss deeper things with. We're polar opposites, really. She's deeply religious, I'm deeply confused. She's relatively normal, I'm relatively dysfunctional. But somehow, someway, we click. We understand each other, and I figure that's all I could really ask for. I'm grateful from the bottoms of my feet to the tips of my fingers for meeting this person.
I'm dreaming pretty fairytales these days, with sweeping scores of horns and strings. Tree branches that reach, reach, reach until they grab the sun's rays. Brown sugar eyes and honey sweet voices are what lull me to sleep, and I pray it never goes away.
BTW: Keltie Colleen is wonderful and beautiful. Leave her alone, guys. Really. People disappoint me sometimes. =\
Tell me a story. Can be true, false, just speak your peace. |
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| the secret garden. |
[Mar. 24th, 2008|11:29 pm] |
So I stayed home from school today. I slept late, which was nice, and then I wandered around my town for a few hours. Aimless is the word that comes to mind. My feet are sore, but it was so worth it. Fresh air in my lungs and head, I feel free and empty. I realized that the town I live in is the definition of derelict. But it's so beautiful, devastatingly so. I went down this path (which may or may not have been trespassing?!) and stumbled upon this old farmhouse. It was shaded, and I'm sure that during the summer it's hidden by overgrowth, but it looked so perfectly untouched. I had to explore. It was as broken as broken gets, with a shattered window and a broken fence, but something about it was so otherworldly. It was ridiculously charming. Quaint. There was this old 50s truck parked beside it, all rusted scrap metal. Decaying machinery. I felt this wonderful connection with the place, like this familiar energy. I was supposed to go down that path and find it. It was so perfect, I couldn't even believe it was real. I took some pictures of it, and I went home and showed them to my father. Turns out, this little farmhouse is mine. My great grandfather built it in the 20s before my town was really built up. After he died in the 50s, it was forgotten. My grandparents had moved to Portland, and no one else ever bought it. But there it was, seemingly waiting for me to find it.
Sometimes I just love life.
Now I really need to catch some sleep, but oh. I hope I dream of it.
goodnight friends,
Kathryn Rose. |
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| good day. |
[Mar. 23rd, 2008|09:16 pm] |
So I'm a vegetarian.
I'm straight-edge.
I'm, well. You know.
I don't like putting bad stuff, or anything really, into my body.
That's good, right?
But I get made fun of for it so much, by my friends, by my own parents.
I don't understand it.
It disappoints me so much to know that a lot of people don't support my good decisions.
The college thing.
Yeah.
Let's talk about that.
You're right.
My college plans were based only on what society has always told me to do.
Well. I've kind of always said fuck it to society, so.
We'll play it by ear.
You're right: College will always be there.
I've always been the kind of person that is always looking for something better.
The grass is always greener and all that.
We'll see what happens.
I'm only 16 after all.
I just hate that I'm expected to know all of this right fucking now.
And I don't.
I don't even know who I am.
It was a beautiful day today, and I appreciate the sun making regular appearances.
Thank you spring for finally springing.
So I think I'm going to take off this summer.
I think I'm just going to leave a note and take off.
I need a break from the east coast bullshit.
Any suggestions on where to visit? |
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| so here's the thing |
[Mar. 22nd, 2008|08:51 pm] |
I don't know if I want to go to college anymore.
And what the hell? I always thought I was going to college.
But now.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
help. |
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